Emily is a male to female transgender speaking from her heart about her son, her family, her breakdown and her transgender issues which she struggled with since the age of 4. Emily love her family and is an advocate for Autism (her son and Families affected by having an autistic child); Transgender (herself and for the community ravaged by suicide and tragedy); Depression (as she lost her mom at 49 years old, her dad who struggled with it and she and her son suffer also from it and for all families affected by it); Suicide (she lost her dad tragically to suicide as he jumped into the path of an oncoming LIRR rush hour train on April 16, 2009.) Life is not always as we wished it to be. I knew I was a “girl” since age 4. My mom died at age 49, My dad committed suicide, My son is autistic, and I attempted suicide in the wake of job loss, imminent foreclosure, abandonment of family, relatives and friends because I am doing what I had to do which is to transition from male to female, I am unable to work as I am suicidal, severely depressed, worried about my son, losing our house and succumbing to all my hardships, suicide, transgender and foreclosure. I need to protect my family and if my suicide will save them due to my life insurance so they won’t be homeless than that is what I have to do. The real tragedy is I am so happy now becoming Emily but am vulnerable to suicide because of all our recent hardships. I would be another sad statistic for my family, my son and the transgender community. Emily
I am struggling with depression, transgender, job loss, raising a teenage autistic son, trying to avoid foreclosure, attempted suicide twice in the past 6 months and am trying to support my wife and son the best i can and hoping we are able to place him in a good residential school which is one of the hardest decisions we will have to make. We need to get him the help he needs. Emily
It comes from quiet reflection and it can be derived from great joy or great pain. We all have a need and desire to express ourselves and share our lives with others. We don’t have to be closed off if we choose to open up and freely write out our thoughts, our experiences, our dreams, our joys, our hopes, our wishes, our fears, our desires, our achievements, our failures, our sorrows, our celebrations, our goals and our proudest moments. We can learn by being in tune with our feelings as we write them down. Writing can be our biggest gift as we look back and reminisce about our life through our words, the pictures that mean so much to us and the everlasting memories that surface in our minds. We can choose to share our writings with others or keep them private as our own personal diary.
Writing can liberate us or help us to unlock the mysteries. It is a wonderful thing to express ourselves and share a part of who we are with our family, our friends and those who are important to us. It is not easy to write sometimes but if we approach it in a way that allows us to enjoy it and to write something that has meaning and helps to define us and is meant for our loved ones then it can be truly a wonderful gift that will last and can be a source for inspiration. We can touch others with our actions and our words and if we can convey our feelings and share our experiences in a positive way and capture it for all to see I believe that it will help the ones we love and it will provide something that is of sentimental value that will be treasured and held close to the heart.
I always admired musicians who write, compose and play their own music. That is a talent on so many levels and only a few are so gifted and the others have to work hard for what they dream and envision. I am a fan of music since I was a child and now I have a teenage son who I have shared music of my generation with. It’s nice to go back in time to listen to the music you remembered as a kid.
It is also nice to come across an artist who plays today and is in a personal journey to live a dream they may have had within them since early childhood. When I came upon the profile of Ms. Selena Garcia on Reverbnation and started to read her story and listen to her music I truly was touched and felt something special about her. I have been going through my own struggles as a male to female transgender knowing since the age of 4 but was too afraid to discuss it. I lived my life with a heavy heart but I achieved wonderful things in my life due to my own perseverance and belief that one day things would get better.
When a young musician is traveling and leaves their “comfort zone” and gives up everything they are accustomed to that takes courage and that is why i am drawn to Selena as her music reflects more than just words and feelings. It is the embodiment of her life and shared experiences. I am privileged to write this little tribute as i admire the ambition, drive and dedication of a young woman who wants to share her music, her charm and her message.
The song I was struck by is Eternal Sunshine which I will play here and you will become a fan too.
Life lessons are what help to shape us and as we live and experience our individual lives we will come to know these lessons but it is also important that we impart these lessons of life in how we live and are inspired whether we are a writer, a musician, an artist or a parent to our children. We must know how to put it all together and package it in such a way that it appeals to others and conveys our thoughts, ideas, emotions and love for what we do.
Hi, My name is Emily and I am speaking about my life and what it is like to be male to female transgender and the struggles I had to endure and face with courage and dignity when I came to the realization of having to transition. It is not so easy especially when you rely on working to afford your home and pay your bills. I also have family including a teenage autistic son who I would never want to hurt in any way. I love him and want to always be there for him and be his support system.I know my son has his own share of struggles and a lot of what he struggles with such as loneliness, isolation, low self esteem, lack of friendship and depression I also struggled with as a young kid. I know his pain because i shared the same pain as he now suffers with and I feel so guilty and only want to help my son and be there to support him as his father despite my transgender situation. The sad reality of living your life as transgender is you face many obstacles in your life and feel guilty no matter which direction you choose to go in. If you decide to not transition then you will go to your grave never being truthful to who you were and no one in your life would have really known the real you and your whole life would have been not truly lived and was all pretend which is so very sad.
The reality we face if we do decide to come out and reveal our true self is that we put everything on the line risking losing everything important to us such as our family, our friendships, our job, our financial security and we wind up spiraling into a deep depression that eventually leads us to the painful possibility of ending our pain by taking our life with our own hands. That unfortunately is the final act for many who struggle with being transgender. The suicide rate amongst the transgender community is the highest among any group of people currently around 50%. That’s 1 in every 2 which is far too much and is very disturbing but a very true reality and if it doesn’t change it means that many will avoid transitioning and will go to the grave never being true to themselves and that it could be considered like a Shakespearean tragedy. Shakespearean tragedy
After all when you think about it our lives are supposed to be about living, being honest and being true to who we are. Many transgender live in painful isolation and can never find the strength or conviction to find their true selves. What is the point of living if you’re not truly living. To live like that I would rather put a gun to my head and end my pain then and their because that is not living. That is being afraid and worrying about how we will be judged or perceived. It took me a long time to realize this but I came to the conclusion of not caring or worrying anymore of what people think. After all what gives them the right to judge. Last time I checked only God can judge and I firmly believe in my heart he will embrace us and accept us for who we are and not condemn us for being truthful to ourselves and everyone important in our life.
I am fortunate I have understanding and supportive family including a son who does understand and cares but I know it is not easy for him so I will have to make some compromises for him because I love him and would never want to hurt him in any way. The truth is I just want to be truthful to my true inner being and find some degree of happiness and be the “girl” I always knew I was since the age of 4. That is one of the saddest and most painful and emotional struggles one could ever face in their life. Most of society hold us as sick and believe we should be condemned and hated just because we identify as a gender opposite to our birth sex. I firmly believe we should not feel this way and embrace ourselves and never think twice about it. We should learn to love and respect who we are and accept and embrace our uniqueness and stop living in fear and we should absolve ourselves of any guilt we live with. Either way we choose whether we choose to transition or not to we will either face guilt or lonely pain and isolation. When you think about it who truly wants to live in fear and never feel truly liberated and free. After all we are just seeking help and trying to find our inner self and empowerment to live life on our terms being truthful to who we are so we will find our purpose and sense of self worth.
I was feeling down yesterday and I received a phone call from a friend and former teammate on our cross country team and the timing of his call was perfect because I was feeling very sad and depressed and my very good friend Teddy Canova reached out to me and called me to talk and offer his concerns and heartfelt wishes for me to be strong and reassured me that many of our friends from high school are concerned for my well being and wish me the very best. He truly touched me and made me feel good inside and made me also realize what a wonderful and caring friend he is. He touched me in so many ways and I told him when I can find the time and get situated with my mortgage and finances I would love to take a drive with my son to visit with him and relive our past as teammates and talk about our high school days, our love for our coach Al Berkowsky and our lives today.
I really enjoyed the opportunity of speaking with him and realized what a great guy Teddy Canova is. He always cheered me on in my races and here he was again encouraging me once again like he always did. I am blessed to have wonderful friends as Teddy and coach back in my life. Thay truly mean a lot to me and they truly care and they both touched my heart and made me feel much better about my life and living with the mantra of never giving up, no matter the adversity we face. We must find our inner strength and do whatever we feel is appropriate to come out of ourselves and set our self free and live our life on our own terms and smile and feel happy about our special qualities and embrace our self for the person we truly are with no sense of guilt. Life is to be lived and enjoyed and we should realize this each and every day.
We should embrace our differences and accept one another as individuals and never judge them because they are different. After all we are all people with feelings and we should live our lives in pursuit of our happiness.
A dedication to my good friend Sandy Nassau who I’ve known since junior high and all throughout high school and who was always a good friend and it is nice to see him again.
I remember my best friend from Kennedy HS was someone I had tremendous respect for and someone I learned a lot from. His name, Sandy Nassau. I remember Sandy as a very intelligent and gifted individual who loved black and white photography and also loved to build things. I was quite impressed and enjoyed assisting him in his endeavors. His mom and dad and sister were very nice people too and they always made me feel welcome. Sandy would develop his pictures and I enjoyed hours with him watching him develop film in his darkroom that he built in his parents basement. He always had projects in the works and I was always asked to assist him. The most impressive thing I remember Sandy did was convert his parents basement into an apartment, drawing the floor plans and doing the carpentry and electrical work. Sandy was always driven and I am fortunate to call him a friend! I also remember when he also built his own pool table which was very sturdy and a lot of fun to play on.
I got to meet up with my good friend Sandy who was very kind and I enjoyed seeing him and talking about the days when we were kids and how I looked up to him and held him in high regard always. He was my good friend and we had a wonderful time just talking and I got to reveal my life now as a father to a wonderful son who I introduced him to.
I also went out with him to talk and eat and it was a bit difficult to leave my son but I knew he was in good hands and Sandy and I had to catch up and we talked about hoe my life has been a rocky road but I’m still the same person as he knew but I revealed Emily to him and went out in a pretty oink dress and the cutest shoes. I was all “girl” and that was my friend’s first time seeing me as Emily but as we talked he knew I was the same friend he knew a long time ago. I explained my struggle and he was trying his best to take it all in but he was very kind and it was nice to see my good friend again. Sandy is a very special friend to me because he treated me like family. I will never forget the times Sandy would ask me to assist him in one of his new projects. It was fun to watch Sandy as he planned out with such dedication and seeing it through as I went along for the ride.
I try to just act like I always have with my friends and for friends who I have not seen for such a long time like Sandy it was my pleasure and I though he looked great. He seems to never age and he is the same good guy I always knew and admired very much. He was very respectful and very curious of my situation. He spent a good amount of time with me talking at the Broadway mall where we did some catching up and after a while he sensed my contentment in living as Emily. He still will need time to come to embrace Emily which is understandable as it took me 48 years to come to accept and embrace it. Certainly I can’t expect my family and friends to embrace Emily immediately but over time they will realize I am still the same person just now I’m a “girl” but they only knew me as a “boy”. They did not know my pain or my isolation and I managed to keep it a secret for most of my life never coming out until tragedy and a whole new me was coming to exist. Sandy was a true gentleman as he always had been and even treated me with respect and as a “girl” but still referred to me as Ed and that was perfectly fine with me. He is so kind that he treated me to a wonderful lunch and drove me home where we said goodbye and thank you.
I am a CPA practicing in the state of New York and I am currently on disability for severe depression and also now finally coming to term with my gender dysphoria which I struggled with since the age of 4 years old. I have had family tragedies and suffered from intense shyness and painful isolation due to my deep rooted feelings that I was really a “girl” and I knew since the age of 4. I always wanted to wear dresses and girl’s shoes and i cried many times but somehow with the love of my family and my dedication to school and sport and my feel of having to overcompensate I managed to study Mechanical Engineering at a prestigious university, Virginia Tech which sadly had a shocking tragedy on April 16, 2007 where a gunman shot and killed 32 people and himself. I wish to not think of my school in that regard but back when I was a student and found the campus and school and community and town simply charming. I studied hard which was good actually and remember many late nights but I matured and learned despite my internal struggles. A few years after I followed up my education at Hofstra University near to where I started at Nassau Community College where I studied Engineering Science. I knew Hofsta University had a good business school so I wanted to enhance my engineering background with a business degree and studied Accounting and took the review course which led me to obtaining my CPA license upon passing the exam in New York State.
I have always been dedicated to all my educational pursuits and maintained that same dedication. loyalty and responsibility to my working career as an engineer and as an accountant. I kind of struggled all my life though with shyness and had a difficult time assuming leadership roles because of my shyness and my transgender situation which I kept inside virtually all my life until I reached a breaking point. I am a human being with feelings, emotions, pain but I always pushed myself to be my best as engrained in me by my loving parents who both struggled with depression and sadly became victims to it.
A fathers sentiments on Autism I now have a family which I always wondered about because of my unique situation. I am lucky to have a wonderful wife who is trying her best to understand me and is consumed as I am with our son who is autistic and struggles as we try to find the most appropriate school for him. I am now able to act as his advocate full time and make all the important phone calls that I was unable to do in the past due to hectic work schedules. Now I am making the most of my situation and also writing to help me cope with my isolation and updating my CPA website and social media sites. I found a way to use my time as I also meet with my doctors at Beth Israel, meet with my son’s school officials and my good friend Carly who I view as a friend who is representing me as an adviser to help us avoid foreclosure on our house, a modest house I overpaid for and which has gone down in value significantly.
I am a CPA and I have the credentials and the background and most importantly the experience as a working professional. I do value my family and need to spend more time with my son because sadly I feel we have no choice but to have him placed in a residential school for his own well being but deep down in my heart it will be one of the hardest things we will have to deal with but the bottom line is we only want what is best for our son so he does not wind up having to live the rest of his life in a group home.
I will continue to hold on and live my life and try to be a solid support system for my son and maybe take my life in a new direction as Emily, as a writer, as a sweet person with a good heart, as a transwoman, as an advocate for my son, for autism, for myself, for the transgender and LGBT communities and mostly for my family. I love my wife and son and they will always be the best part of my life despite my internal struggles.
I will also still dedicate myself as a professional CPA as I always have but now I need to heal and just do all I can for my son because when I am on my deathbed I will not think about work and how I could have done better. I will be thinking about my son and praying that I did all I possibly could for him. Work and career are important bur the quality of one’s life and the time they spend with their children and family are the most important priorities and when you are raising an autistic child the need to spend meaningful and quality time with them is all the more important.
It’s sad I have to learn this now in my early 50’s. My son is 14, autistic and the most important priority in my life. The accounting and trying to make a living is equally important but health and family have to always reign supreme. I now know that as I had an emotional and nervous breakdown that opened my eyes and made me realize what life should be about which is your children and doing all you can to help them cope in life. It is a tough world out there and that is why suicide for some is the only solution as it was for my dad sadly. We are still trying to cope with the loss and my son especially as he loved grandpa. A wonderful father, grandfather and dedicated ironworker and devoted family man who struggled with depression. Life is not easy but it is what it is and we try to make our presence known and the ones we love we try to touch them and if we leave them as we know is inevitable we surely have to plan for their security and safety so we can truly go in peace.
Dedicated to my wife, my son, my family and all who touched my life!
My name is Emily and I am a father of an autistic son. I was born male and given the name Edward D Iannielli III which I was always proud of because my loving parents named me after my dad and grandfather. The sad reality though is I knew I was a “girl” since the age of 4 and it has been a lifetime struggle for me but I managed to do well in school, participate in sports and make some good friends. I never revealed my transgender struggles hiding it and keeping it bottled up which later I came to realize was extremely unhealthy. I learned to cope and go on to college to study Mechanical Engineering at Virginia Tech and later obtained an Accounting degree at Hofstra. I started working as an Engineer for several years then shifted gears and obtained my CPA license and started working as an accountant in public and private. I recently had an emotional breakdown for many reasons and am transitioning from male to female. I also married in 1997 and my wife gave birth to our son Matty in 1998 which was the best moment in our lives. Matty is very special to us as he has been diagnosed with Autism at age of 3 and with mental illness at age of 11. He is 14 now and we are trying to help our son get the proper schooling he deserves and now that I am out of work due to my crippling depression and suicide ideation which I have been hospitalized for and now am being treated for outpatient care at Beth Israel.
I attached a link that will express what life is like for Matty being autistic and struggling to fit in. My heart goes out for him and I am trying my best to advocate for my son and hopefully with the assistance of the school district find him a residential school where hopefully he will adapt to and thrive in with his studies, participation and socialization. He is entitled to an education up to age 21 due to his disability and we are going to do all we can to help him obtain one and hopefully see him improve and find something that will interest him and spark him to want to continue learning and growing. We love our son and want to do all we can for him. We always will and we always have. Matty is a very special young man and we love him and want to see him smile and find his happiness and make valuable friendships. Most of all we want him to accept and love himself. He deserve to just like I do. We all must accept ourselves for who we are and never let others hurt or make fun of us. We have to be strong, have courage and and be determined to follow through on all we need to; to ensure our happiness, dignity, honor and be our true selves. With loving dedication to my son, Matty and my wife who has stuck by the both of us. We are truly blessed. Love, Emily