Hi, My name is Emily and I am speaking about my life and what it is like to be male to female transgender and the struggles I had to endure and face with courage and dignity when I came to the realization of having to transition. It is not so easy especially when you rely on working to afford your home and pay your bills. I also have family including a teenage autistic son who I would never want to hurt in any way. I love him and want to always be there for him and be his support system.I know my son has his own share of struggles and a lot of what he struggles with such as loneliness, isolation, low self esteem, lack of friendship and depression I also struggled with as a young kid. I know his pain because i shared the same pain as he now suffers with and I feel so guilty and only want to help my son and be there to support him as his father despite my transgender situation. The sad reality of living your life as transgender is you face many obstacles in your life and feel guilty no matter which direction you choose to go in. If you decide to not transition then you will go to your grave never being truthful to who you were and no one in your life would have really known the real you and your whole life would have been not truly lived and was all pretend which is so very sad.
The reality we face if we do decide to come out and reveal our true self is that we put everything on the line risking losing everything important to us such as our family, our friendships, our job, our financial security and we wind up spiraling into a deep depression that eventually leads us to the painful possibility of ending our pain by taking our life with our own hands. That unfortunately is the final act for many who struggle with being transgender. The suicide rate amongst the transgender community is the highest among any group of people currently around 50%. That’s 1 in every 2 which is far too much and is very disturbing but a very true reality and if it doesn’t change it means that many will avoid transitioning and will go to the grave never being true to themselves and that it could be considered like a Shakespearean tragedy.
After all when you think about it our lives are supposed to be about living, being honest and being true to who we are. Many transgender live in painful isolation and can never find the strength or conviction to find their true selves. What is the point of living if you’re not truly living. To live like that I would rather put a gun to my head and end my pain then and their because that is not living. That is being afraid and worrying about how we will be judged or perceived. It took me a long time to realize this but I came to the conclusion of not caring or worrying anymore of what people think. After all what gives them the right to judge. Last time I checked only God can judge and I firmly believe in my heart he will embrace us and accept us for who we are and not condemn us for being truthful to ourselves and everyone important in our life.
I am fortunate I have understanding and supportive family including a son who does understand and cares but I know it is not easy for him so I will have to make some compromises for him because I love him and would never want to hurt him in any way. The truth is I just want to be truthful to my true inner being and find some degree of happiness and be the “girl” I always knew I was since the age of 4. That is one of the saddest and most painful and emotional struggles one could ever face in their life. Most of society hold us as sick and believe we should be condemned and hated just because we identify as a gender opposite to our birth sex. I firmly believe we should not feel this way and embrace ourselves and never think twice about it. We should learn to love and respect who we are and accept and embrace our uniqueness and stop living in fear and we should absolve ourselves of any guilt we live with. Either way we choose whether we choose to transition or not to we will either face guilt or lonely pain and isolation. When you think about it who truly wants to live in fear and never feel truly liberated and free. After all we are just seeking help and trying to find our inner self and empowerment to live life on our terms being truthful to who we are so we will find our purpose and sense of self worth.
I was feeling down yesterday and I received a phone call from a friend and former teammate on our cross country team and the timing of his call was perfect because I was feeling very sad and depressed and my very good friend Teddy Canova reached out to me and called me to talk and offer his concerns and heartfelt wishes for me to be strong and reassured me that many of our friends from high school are concerned for my well being and wish me the very best. He truly touched me and made me feel good inside and made me also realize what a wonderful and caring friend he is. He touched me in so many ways and I told him when I can find the time and get situated with my mortgage and finances I would love to take a drive with my son to visit with him and relive our past as teammates and talk about our high school days, our love for our coach Al Berkowsky and our lives today.
I really enjoyed the opportunity of speaking with him and realized what a great guy Teddy Canova is. He always cheered me on in my races and here he was again encouraging me once again like he always did. I am blessed to have wonderful friends as Teddy and coach back in my life. Thay truly mean a lot to me and they truly care and they both touched my heart and made me feel much better about my life and living with the mantra of never giving up, no matter the adversity we face. We must find our inner strength and do whatever we feel is appropriate to come out of ourselves and set our self free and live our life on our own terms and smile and feel happy about our special qualities and embrace our self for the person we truly are with no sense of guilt. Life is to be lived and enjoyed and we should realize this each and every day.
We should embrace our differences and accept one another as individuals and never judge them because they are different. After all we are all people with feelings and we should live our lives in pursuit of our happiness.
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