The importance of expression

As I reflect and start to realize all the recent developments in my life I am truly appreciative and filled with a hope I once never could imagine I would ever experience. It has been a long road filled with many obstacles and unfulfilled wishes, hopes, dreams and realities for me, personally. If I could tell you all the things I had wished and hoped to have accomplished by now my list would be very long and it would be obvious I did not live up to my intended plans. I was detoured and found myself travelling on roads that led away from where I truly needed to go. Don’t ask me why? I truly planned in my heart and my mind I would take the proper steps to ensure I was heading in the right direction. I actually do know why I got detoured and lost along the road of life. The short answer is because I was afraid! I was afraid to accept my situation. I was afraid I would lose all the people I love in my life. I was afraid I would face rejection and loneliness. I was afraid I would lose my opportunity to work and practice as a professional. I was afraid of never meeting someone to marry and raise a family with. I was afraid I would not be strong enough to hold up and be strong to my convictions. In my heart I knew what I needed to do but in my mind I was not yet prepared for many reasons. In my youth I was not yet ready emotionally to embark on such a journey and was held back for family related issues.

I so desperately wanted to be understood and express what was going on inside of me but it was not that easy. You see, I never was able to ever open up about my situation and I felt all alone and the only times I felt happy was when I could get all dressed up in such pretty clothes. For me when I wore a dress I was a new person. I was completely immersed in my own version of what I thought I should be as a woman. I knew from the age of 4 that I really was a girl. It was quite obvious for me to come to this reality. For others in my life it was never obvious nor was it ever known. I never had a confidante. I could never find someone to open up to and share my secret with. I was all alone and I was scared. It was such a difficult way to live and sometimes I wonder how I managed. I can tell you that I was very good at portraying an image and pretending to be someone I could never truly identify as. I dressed the part though to me it was very difficult because I was not happy. I wore clothes that made no sense to me. Imagine a girl having to wear guys clothes her whole life never expressing her self the way she was meant to. Girls are supposed to wear pretty clothes and dress up and enjoy such wonderful things. That is how I always felt. I was supposed to wear dresses and feel pretty to match my internal feelings and needs. I could not express my true self. I was trapped with no one to turn to and I was all alone and I just wanted to cry and be heard but I was much to shy and could not speak for myself. I was not yet ready and i was not strong enough emotionally.

I withdrew from others and pretended to be happy though I was plagued with sadness and depression my whole life because I was transgender and I could not tell a single soul. I had no support system. I had no medical professional to reach out to. I felt very insecure and was always throwing myself into my school work to escape my isolation and found that I luckily was able to do pretty well. I was very serious with my studies because my parents taught me that to suceed you had to be comitted to your school work and you had to try your best always and this was a common theme for me. It was what helped me to cope and survive despite my inner pain. I was closed off emotionally but was able to carry on and forge a life though it was not what I felt or wanted. I had to create an illusion. I had to be male in my approach to life since that was my appearance and how the world perceived me. They did not know what was going on from within. How could they? How could anyone for that matter? If I was not able to express how I felt how would anyone know? I was deeply affected by this pretend game I found myself entrapped in but I did not know how to escape it other than to dress up in total isolation with no one but myself knowing. This was my reality. This was my life and I was so used to it because I knew no other way. I was frustrated. I was sad. I was dying on the inside but I had to fight it and had to pretend I was ok but i knew I wasn’t. I just faked it. I was always good at faking it. I came to a point where I could no longer fake it. It was a fight of my life and for my very survival.

You don’t know what it is like to want to die because the pain is so intense. I truly wanted to die and I planned my suicide on many occasions. I planned it with such careful and deliberate thought to make it seem like anything but a suicide. Deep down in my heart I never truly wanted to take my life. I just wanted  to be free of my pain. I wanted to be Emily! I would truly be so happy if everyone got to meet Emily and see what a sweet girl she is. I am that sweet girl and that is what I always knew and felt in my heart and my mind. I can’t help it. It is just who I am. I can tell you that Emily is just as sweet as Edward and the two are really the same. You will see that if you just give me a chance to show you all the real me. The me I had to hide and never reveal. This to me was so very painful and so very unfair. Why did it have to be this way? Why did it have to be 47 years before I finally said enough is enough! I could not fight this anymore. If I did I certainly would die and that is not what I want at this juncture in my life. I want a fresh start. I want complete and total acceptance. I want to be free! I want to be happy! I want to be me, Emily. That is all I ever wanted. I also want my family and my friends to stick with me and realize this is what i have to do, what i need to do and what I must do to ensure my very own survival. I want to see my son grow up and become a man and go to college and marry. I want him to be happy and i want to be an active part of his life as his father and as a girl.

I will never hurt my son. I just want him to understand that life is not so simple and we all are not perfect. I want him to know I love him and I will always love him. I love his mother too, my wife who also is very special to me and with her and Matty in my life I will be so very happy! I do understand, however if my wife can not accept this and then I will have to make the painful decision to set her free so she can find her own happiness. I would never force this way of life on her. I will still support her and provide a house for her and a college education for our son. That is my responsibility which i gladly accept. She will have no fear of me leaving her. i will never abandon her. I have several life insurance policies for her and Matty in the event I die and I need to have this in place because I love my wife and I will always love my wife and my son. They mean everything to me. i want them both to be happy just like I want to be happy. That is after all what we all want in our life. i don’t care about the material things. I never did. Yes I need a car and we need a house and we have those things. I realize we need that but I don’t feel I need to live a life devoted to material things. I never did and I never will. I just want to be able to live my life as I need to and still be loyal to my family and have the opportunity to work, make a good living, have a career and support my family and be able to live my life as Emily.    

Life is too short to live in pain for a lifetime. I need to find my happiness and I need to transition so I can finally be me, Emily. That is all I ever wanted in my life, to finally be me.



3 thoughts on “The importance of expression”

  1. People judge others based on athletic ability, money, clothing, the house they live in, car they drive, political views, intelligence, physical appearance, job, how they act, etc… I know these things should matter but sometimes I catch myself catergorizing people based on some of them.My reactions to the blog are:• The mention of suicide I found shocking. God forbid you ever think about it again, reach out to me, I will do everything I can to help.• Hard for me to relate to where Eddie is coming from• Shocked he would post such personal things on the Internet. Even though I disagree on this being the best place to discuss this topic, since it works for Eddie I have decided to post my comments via the same medium.• I realize what is crazy to one person makes seems normal to another. As an example I drive from NY to NJ every day. When I was younger, I would have not understood why anyone would drive that far for work. Each one of us does things, which other people may perceive as out of the ordinary.I find as I get older my perceptions and my reactions change. I suspect if I had read this in high school, (although I did not have a computer) I would have tried to talk Eddie out of it and I might even have distanced myself from my good friend. At this point in my life we have grown apart, as many people do after high school. My found memories of the Eddie will not change. Time files, and unfortunately I don’t always make the best use of time. If it had not been for my wife, I would not have taken time to read your recent blog entries.I need a little more time to take this in, since reading the blog last night it continues to zip thru my mind. I have listened to 2.5 of your videos and will in the future listen to the balance. Thus my thoughts are with you, I hope you find the path that works for you, and that your family remains happy and healthy.

  2. Sandy, you have always been a great friend to me and I will never forget that. You were an inspiration and a true friend. The truth is I had this very painful secret all my life and so many personal tragedies that would make anyone feel alone and lost. I always struggled with my gender but I was good at hiding my pain and the biggest secret i ever had. my life vastly improved when maria and then matty came into my life but my feelings and true identity were always there and i could not escape them. i maintained a courage and a loyalty to my family and suppressed the feelings and the pain until i could no longer. the two major things in my life that became so painful and difficult that propelled me in this direction was the tragic loss of my father and the loss of a very good friend who was there to help me deal with my dad's death. when i went to my friend's funeral it changed me and put me over the edge and made me realize what t always knew in my heart what i had to do.

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