I usually was good at keeping things inside and not expressing them and just trying to resolve my feelings and pain internally without the benefit of expressing how I truly felt. After I lost my mom in 1990 I suffered terribly for the next 4 years and I saw my dad go through his trials and suffering as well. It was too much to bear so I desperately searched for someone to talk to and that is when I went to a psycholgist who I just happened upon mainly for convenience since she was close to the city for my commute home and she did not charge NYC prices as she was located in Astoria, Queens and charged within my budget.
By going to Michelle Poll I had the opportunity to truly open up and talk about things so personal to me that I could not share with others and the experiences I drew upon were from my own and I finally felt good to open up and discuss them as we can not always feel alone.
The idea for my blog came about as a result of seeing a link to a blog on aol written by a dying man in his mid 30s suffering from inoperable cancer who wanted to get all his feelings out to his beautiful wife and his children. It was a very emotional experience reading it and feeling his joy, his optomism, his love, his pride, his memories and the sad reality that he knew he was dying and wanted to say his farewell to his family. I admit when reading through it I laughed at times when he related happy times and I also cried when he came to know he was dying and wanted to treasure his remaining time with his family and leave his writings for them so they would know what he was going through and how much he loved them. I was also touched by the sentiments he left for his wife saying that she would have to be brave and have the tremendous responsibility of raising their children and he wanted her to know that she should live her life and move on and if she were to fall in love again that he would be very happy for her and gave her his blessings. I thought that was very touching.
I was inspired by his story and I also started my blog in the wake of a family tragedy having lost my dad in a tragic way in my hometown of Bellmore, NY on April 16, 2009 and ever since learning of the circumstances surrounding his death I was struggling with shock, sadness, depression and all my emotional stability went downhill as I needed medical attention and started on antidepressants. I also felt the need to get my feelings out on paper so I started to write in a composition book but did not feel that it was truly expressing myself as it was my emotions and words burried in a book. I then decided to take my writings from my composition book and write them in a word document but I felt something was missing because it was just my thoughts and feelings burried on my hard drive. Then I remember the blog I read about that poor man dying of cancer and how he communicated his feelings and I thought the blog was a great way for me to express how I feel and get my feelings out on so many things that are important to me.
I have struggled with my son’s autism and his epilepsy through the years and I have sometimes felt at times like escaping and burying my head in the sand but what good would that do. So I realized if I was going to help my son I also had to help myself and I feel that when I can feel good about life then I can be stronger for my son. My title for the blog was an easy one to decide on as I love my son and would do anything for him with the aid of my wife and we have been profoundly affected by his autism and epilepsy so I decided that would be my focus and I would interject other stories as well but never diverting from my main focus of Matthew and his struggles and triumphs with autism and epilepsy.
I use my blog as a way of getting in touch with my most inner feelings and thoughts and I then write them through my own chosen words and style in a way where they seem to flow naturally and I approach it with joy and tremendous responsibility as I am sharing things that affect our family and I want to portray it as I am affected by it. I hope that when I write and share such personal things that I am also helping in some small way as I feel we all can share from our personal experiences and most certainly can learn from them.
So I will continue my blog as my son means the world to me and I am writing our family story each day and one day all my thoughts and feelings will be my gift to my wife and son. I will also write with the intended purpose of helping others and I will maintain dignity, truthfulness, humor, seriousness and emotion in my writings and most of all I will convey my love for my family and friends in my writing. To all of you reading my writings I say Thank you and embrace you with a big hug!
Edward D. Iannielli III
August 15, 2009